GET YOUR MONEY BACK!
That’s the name of my new pretend food column that, if it were real, would be in Sunday Circulars. Right next to those ads of pull-on polyester pants in a range of pastel shades. It would focus on ways to use up all the weird horseradish, mint jelly and plum vinegar's rotting in all our cabinets and fridge doors. It includes ways to combine the questionable condiments with shit like random grains you bought on a health kick. I’m talking Red Curry Quinoa. Every recipe closes with “Eat it and...GET YOUR MONEY BACK! This column was surely borne of my sick game I call “Takin’ it down to the mustard” in which I refuse to buy anything at the store save milk for my kids until I am satisfied I've used up enough foodstuffs in the freezer, fridge and pantry.
The “mustard mood” strikes without warning. It certainly never surfaces as an actual budgeting need. I just get sick of going to the store sometimes. If it keeps up this week, I’ll be serving lasagna pasta shards with dried mango and withered (not on purpose) endive. With radish garnish. Ever wonder who’s buying all the damn radishes in the store? Why they even put them there? Thank the Flap dude. He doesn’t shop much, but when he comes back, there’s always radishes in the sack. WHY??
But anyway, back to GET YOUR MONEY BACK! People will see me in the supermarket and chant the phrase back to me and I will pretend that it’s the first time I’ve heard it. At least that day. Also, if this column were real my photo would show me with my head cocked to one side, can’t figure out if I am looking at the reader accusingly over my glasses, or if my glasses are dangling from my hand, which is resting on my chin.
Also the column would be full of hot food tips like: “Store your flour in the freezer to keep rats from chewing through the bag, because if rats eat your flour they stole from you and you won’t GET YOUR MONEY BACK.
This thing won’t stay a Sunday Circular Column for long. People are tired of rats chewing through their flour bags. And though we may have no one but ourselves to blame for that bottle of white truffle oil, liquid smoke or vegetable biranyi paste, when has that ever stopped an American from ranting? This thing’s gonna take off like it’s got Thai Chili Paste on its ass.
In closing, I would like to offer this food-related anecdote that Flappette just told me: “Whenever I fart I feel like the food inside me is yelling EARTHQUAKE!!!”
Yeah, Red Curry Quinoa will do that to ya.
